Monday, May 4, 2009
Sisi
Nagmamakaawa lang 'tong lumabas--
Kahit na salita lang yan,
lagi na lang, 'no?
Lagi na lang.
posted by biancaaafranca @
11:37 PM
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0 HELLO!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
a block away
A Year-endNow, when I walk in the rainI feel that I am back where I started.I am confronted byeverything I have yet to do,everyone I have yet to meet,every place I have yet to see,and everything, everythingI have absolutely no control over.I am not sorry I had to lose you--I know that it has done me some good. I'm just sorry it had to be you. 'Cause now, I'm back to square one, standing like a coward, waiting for the big go signal.
posted by biancaaafranca @
1:19 PM
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0 HELLO!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
spleen
Earlier, I told myself I'd give it a shot.
And I did.
I did-- I walked along, talked, acted normal.
Now, all I'm thinking is that the shot wasn't worth it.
Someone has got to suck out the venom.
Someone has to, quick.
posted by biancaaafranca @
8:25 PM
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0 HELLO!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
from absence
The Coast Is ClearIf there is any reason for my being avoidant (note: not the disorder) these days, it would be to spare myself from saying potentially mean and damaging things. You see, I was never much for trash talking and voicing out criticism because I know how contagious this stuff can be. You hear someone put a person down, next thing you know is you've chimed in to whatever that someone has said. What makes things worse is that you will most likely be unaware of the weight of your words; in your head, you are merely stating
opinion. But there are limits to expressing opinions, too.
So... does it make a difference if I am not completely aware that what I'm saying is mean and damaging? I mean, I don't mean it 100%. Well, I've been thinking. Does it? Considerations seem welcome at first.
Because, you know, I don't mean it 100%.Then I tried looking at it on a more personal scale. Doing so, I realized that you will never know what could be done by mean words until you've been the receiving end, until you've felt how it is to be the one "out." The moment you have been the receiving end, the moment you know how "out" feels, previous considerations won't seem so welcome anymore.
I really do not know what it is in us humans that makes criticizing so enjoyable. It is funny how we can apply the "Golden Rule" to every other situation in our lives, except this. All I know is that this is a flesh issue, and that will always be something beyond us humans. For now, all I can do is stay aware, stay silent and stay away.
_____________________________________
And good thing Romans 8:1-2, 5-7 read
"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to Him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death...
Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God's laws, and it never will."
because 1.) I know I am not "out," and 2.) I don't have to feel too bad. :)
posted by biancaaafranca @
9:15 PM
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1 HELLO!
Friday, November 7, 2008
you're no better than me
So the (sem)break is almost over, and I'm actually considering keeping this thing. :)
***
Last night, I had a two-hour conversation with a girl I just met. We went from Mall of Asia to school/schoolwork to music to the cold to professors to friends to the South. I'd almost forgotten how it feels to have a
conversation (
conversation versus conversation) with somebody who knows nothing about you yet. It feels awesome. On the other hand, though, it reminded me (again) of those I've known longest, yet know zilch about me. That... that felt like a punch in the stomach.
And then just a while ago, I just had to remember I would miss being
home. I'd almost forgotten how it feels to be away, and so I felt another (evil) pang of sadness when I remembered Sunday means Move Out Day. Don't get me wrong, though. I want second sem to start, I do! This all just feels like the cheesy crap I had to go through pre-dorm weeks. Heew. :|
I seriously have to stop remembering things that make me write like this.
posted by biancaaafranca @
7:16 PM
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0 HELLO!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
art of taking consequences. (You know what this is about)
I've asked for this before,
and it has never turned out the way I wanted.
Nevertheless, I am asking again.
posted by biancaaafranca @
10:53 PM
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0 HELLO!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
headhurt
to say I'm happy is a gigantic understatement.
I am going to steal your pictures.
thank you iloveyou AnnaSam, A2, ClaudeIenneGino!
posted by biancaaafranca @
10:31 AM
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0 HELLO!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
you could be happyyyyy
For some reason, everything I feel these days is magnified like 1 million times. I don't really think it's a good thing.
Example number one would be the other day, when I realized how much I miss car rides to Alabang. It actually made me
sad. I know car rides to school were usually for quiet time/thinking time, but I don't really see why not having that made me so sad. :))
Example number two would be earlier tonight. My mom and I took a cab home from Makati. Ten minutes after we got into the house, we heard the doorbell ring. It was the cab driver, returning a piece of paper. When my dad checked what it was, it was just some folded flyer we dropped. I don't know why, but thinking about how the cab driver went all the way back to give the flyer (since he probably thought it was an important piece of paper) made me really
sad.
When I say magnified, I mean
magnified. I don't know if this is abnormal. Or... well, maybe a very woman-y time of the month is near.
On a brighter note, the parties I've been waiting for are finally near. I'm excoited for Saturday and cannot wait to see people I haven't seen in a while! :) For now... I think I should stay away from the computer. It's almost 2am. gj me.
posted by biancaaafranca @
11:52 PM
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0 HELLO!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
no different
The number 2.77 does not exactly make me the happiest person on the planet, but it isn't bad for someone who played Bubble Town two hours a night. :)
*and oh. This is when the eternal "I'll do better next time" comes in. =))
posted by biancaaafranca @
11:22 PM
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0 HELLO!
Monday, October 20, 2008
because i am so sentimental
Last Saturday, my mom and I were at CubaoX to garage sale
some a lot of our old stuff. When I say "old stuff" I mean
old stuff, things that have been piled up in our good old
bodega since... since... I don't even know or remember!
To be very honest, I was getting rather sentimental because a lot of things that were very much part of my childhood came up, and I had to bear selling them for thirty bucks or something. People would go, "
Sige na, bente na lang!" and deep inside I'd say "
PWEDE BA. :|" I had to be very nice, of course. (In fact, expert
tindera na 'ata ako!) It was just sad parting with my things that way. Those of you who know me quite well are aware that I like keeping things--emails, messages, YM logs and whatnot. There were moments that day when I felt immense pressure haha.
[I did, however, keep Baby All Gone! :D]
We actually did okay money-wise, and I'm pretty proud of myself because intense labor
rin lahat 'yon. I even carried boxes and stuff. (spoken like a brat, indeed) We're going back next weekend because we have a LOT more to sell. (according to my mom, that was only 10% of what we can sell! I'm looking forward to earning from this, haha!)
I'm turning out to be productive at home, at least, and sembreak is turning out to be better than I expected. Yay!
posted by biancaaafranca @
12:14 AM
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6 HELLO!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
but why!
2:15 pm ako nagising today.
And. Walang. Online. Na. A2! Huhuhuhu.
posted by biancaaafranca @
2:33 PM
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0 HELLO!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
something great
This noon, I woke up to one of my happiest YM conversations ever, to one of the happiest multiply journal entries ever, to one of the happiest souls I know at the moment. And in return, I think I am one of the happiest souls in the world at the moment.
I've always known how it feels to feel, and I'm guessing that somewhere along the way, I stopped giving importance to that. I've even wished once or twice to be numb, to be nothing, to be unaffected by things around me. Because things around me tend to step on me, to pierce, to hurt. But now that I think it over, I see that the beauty of feeling is in recovering from what was painful, from what was almost unbearable. The beauty is in the leap from immense torture and dysphoria to comfort and euphoria.
In the few months I've spent in my "new" environment, I've realized how irresponsible I've been with this whole feelings thing. I'm thankful, though, that the people in that environment opened my eyes to this. Now I know that I do not want to be numb, do not want to be nothing, do not want to be unaffected by things around me. Feeling... feeling is great. :D
______________
Good job :D
posted by biancaaafranca @
12:35 PM
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0 HELLO!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
something half-meant
Having this thing just reminded me of how life was a few years back--full of complexity
and simplicity. The two ironically make a good team. 50% complex, 50% simple. When things get dirty, you have the choice to jump back, to wash your mind for a while, to drop what is difficult.
Nowadays it's either monotonous and bump-free, or extremely elaborate tangles. What sucks most is how time snaps you back from one to the other, sometimes even without your knowing. Gone are the days when I could choose. Gone are the days when choices existed at all. Growing up always looked like an expanse of choices, but I now see how distance can distort.
Heh. Was just thinking. Digging into old posts was not a very good idea, apparently. =p
______________
And oh, I didn't go because I had something more important, and sorry, I don't think I am sorry.
posted by biancaaafranca @
7:06 PM
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0 HELLO!
Monday, October 13, 2008
She here, she here!
SO. Yes. I just set myself up a new blog. I srsly do not know why (I just got the idea while walking home from school one day last week) but I think this is going to be
very useful, especially in the coming weeks.
Hopefully, this thing will not turn into a toilet (place where
the unwanted things go) because I don't want to disappoint myself. I am now a grown up! :) (HAHA)
SO. Yes. Hello, world! =)
posted by biancaaafranca @
9:07 PM
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1 HELLO!
